


Nursery Rhymes: An Unexpected Journey through Words

by GuardAlpaca



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other, THIS IS A HUGE CRACK SHIP, This is weird, crack shipping, like more cracks than a friggin canyon, no, you don't understand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2013-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 02:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuardAlpaca/pseuds/GuardAlpaca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo Baggins gets an unwarranted visit from Mother Goose. She needs help to complete a quest and rebuild her kingdom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nursery Rhymes: An Unexpected Journey through Words

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very serious ship of mine. I've been shipping Bilbo/Mother Goose since I was a wee one. Back in the day, I used to imagine them going on crazy adventures like Babes in Toyland. The end. End Notes.

_In a hole in the ground, there lived a mole. But not some mundane, filthy mole. No, this mole, you see is very special indeed. This mole was a magical girl named Edwina. And Edwina had a vision: to make an even bigger hole in the ground. For 49 days, she worked endlessly using her Meguca powers. Sparks flew as the earth crumbled under the powerful claws of magic. After the sun had set on the 70th day of work, Edwina's powers were exhausting, but she was nearing her goal of making the perfect mole home. Tired from a long day's work, the young mole crawled into a small nook on the north side of her hole, rested her head against a pillow made of top soil, and fell into a deep, long slumber. While she was fast asleep, her snoring disturbed the layer of earth above her. Soon, the whole ceiling crumbled down, filled in the cavern, and buried her completely. Some claim that she is still left deep beneath the fields of only to be awoken when her efforts were threatened. When she stirs, mountains are formed, canyons appear, and the sometimes the whole land shakes with the rhythm of her sleep apnia._

_  
_"At least, that's what they say..."

 

Bilbo relit all the candles in the living room, setting aside his pipe onto a rest. 

"Well, that's my story for the day, dear Frodo," he let out a small cackle. Frodo sat on the cold hard ground as puzzled as a Rubik's Cube.

"But, uncle. That story made absolutely no sense... And there's no way it can be real. It's completely illogical... I don't think the leaves you're smoking are helping, either..." the young hobbit crossed his arms and furrowed his unibrow. Bilbo scoffed at his nephew's skepticism.

"Frodo, my lad, I left this story open ended for reader interpretation. Haven't that tought you that in your AP Literature Course?" Bilbo inquired. Frodo let out a grizzly guffaw. 

"Silly Uncle! You know I never went to school!" the two shared what seemed (and quite literally was) an hour of stomach-clutching laughter.

 

After wiping away their tears of their gay engagement. Frodo cleared his throat and spoke in a very hoarse voice, "But really...don't you have any REAL stories to tell me?" Bilbo put an arm around Frodo and chuckled.

"Oh, too old for fairy tales, I see. Well then...As a matter of fact, I do have a story to tell you...let's see..." he picked up his pipe. "Where do I start...?"

 

~0~

One could only imagine how beautiful the midsummer's afternoon was on that day. Golden wheat fields, a light breeze against your cheek, and the vigor of the Shire in your soul. A young hobbit leaned against an old oak tree with complete leisure. With his shoulders back, he took a lazy drag from his pipe. It was his great-great grandmother's pipe, you know. There was a brief pause before he exhaled, smoke billowing around him and soon being carried by tendrils of wind. 

"A being of yer size taking such deep drags. I expected better, Mister Bilbo Bags," a voice chastised from above. 

Bilbo shook and flicked his head all over. "Who's there? I dare say, show yourself!" There was silence. As he took a moment to calm himself, there was a sudden rustling among the branches and a mighty HONK which sent the hobbit straight to his feet. 

"I'm warning you! I may not be armed, but..but!" He took a deep breath, "I WILL yell. Quite loudly I might add! So show yourself~!" he held up his arms in a defensive stance. 

"Oh calm yerself, ye old Bags. I mean ye no 'arm. Though I admit that it be quite fun to see ye in such alarm," the voice giggled.

"B-Bags? I'm a Baggins of Bag End. BAGGINS not BAGS." He turned on his heel and found himself face to face with a human female crouching over him. The sudden appearance caused him to fall back on his plush rump.

"Oh look at ye, such a wee li'le thing. If ye were locked in a cage would I still hear ye sing?" the woman joked, poking Bilbo in the ribs. This sent his face into a crimson fire. He swatted her hands away from his body.

"W-who are you? What do you want with me? What business does a human have with me?" he stuttered in her direction. She let out a sigh, placing her hands on her hips.

"Now, Mister Bags. Why so rude t'me? M'name's Mahti Ghans, that's what it be. And this is my goose, ole Penelope," The sun suddenly eclipsed for a brief moment as a magestic trumpet swan dove in from the heavens. It was armored with light material that glimmered like diamonds. The bird ruffled her feathers and proceeded to strut around the hobbit. 

"Is she causing you trouble, marm. Shall I disembowel him for you?" she quickly pecked at one of Bilbo's vest buttons, tearing it off and spitting it in his face. The beast continued to honk vigorously.

"Now, now, Penelope, be a good little bird. Mister Bags be scared enough, I've inferred." The goose immediately ceased any violent behavior and waddled back to Mahti's side. In between the confusion, Bilbo took special attention to the human's attire. She bore no special crest, but she wore the outfit of a ranger. They were clean, but there were smudges on her cheek. "At any rate, Bags...I have a request for you. About an evil omen about to come true...A treacherous quest, what say you?" She pulled her face in an inch away from his, his heart racing. "What say you??" She repeated.

Bilbo gulped before letting out a meak reply, "What's this all about now?" Mahti stepped back and gestured to her curves. Bilbo stared, his face as blank as a canvas. She rolled her eyes and continued to gesture at herself once more, this time a bit more violently. Still no response.

"Aye, for the love of Gryffindor, ye ole Bags! Can't ye tell I'm ranger from these dingy ole rags???" she huffed.

"Oh...I didn't quite understand what you were trying to get at. Well, what does a ranger want a hobbit on an adventure for anyways?" he shrugged, backing up against the trunk of the tree.

"Aye, ye have no sense of adventure, ole bean. See, hobbits have abilities I'd never seen," she paused for dramatic effect, "They be good at keeping messes clean!" 

"Are you suggesting I become some sort of maid?"

"As fun as that sounds, that's not why I'm here. I'm here, my dear, to make it perfectly clear...because I'm here to find something." She sighed. 

"You didn't rhyme that time," he snarked.

"But ye did, ye squid," the corner of her lips curled upward. Bilbo had steam coming out of his ears.

"Oh hush! Now then, what's all this about keeping things clean??? Finding something? What? (And please try not to speak in rhymes; it's incredibly distracting)" He grumbled.

"Oh fine, fine, yes. I'll be sure to take note. I'll tell you what happened..."

She pulled out an ocarina as Penelope began to sing. 

_I had a little hen, the prettiest ever seen, [honk]_  
 _She washed me the dishes and kept the house clean;[honk[_  
 _She went to the mill to fetch me some flour,_  
 _She brought it home in less than an hour;_  
 _She baked me my bread, she brewed me my ale,_  
 _She sat by the fire and told many a fine tale._

_She said to me, "Marm, I've found something great, [honk]_

_And I put in the food that you ate..." Then out of the kitchen came a ghastly cry,_

_Inside the flour sack was a body, old and dry. With fury I took her out to the shed_

_And with an axe I cut off that sick chicken's head,_

_But the body kept running, her eyes staring and said_

_"I curse your kingdom, I will return to this stead._

_And I'll burn down your land, sending you to your bed*."_

_With that there was silence, the chicken was dead..................[honk]_

_  
_Mahti's lips left the ocarina, she remained silent for a while, her face seeming grim. Bilbo blinked as his brow began to tighten.

"A chicken? REALLY?!" He said, chuffed.

Mahti snapped her head towards him and growled, "Don't you dare make fun 'o me, Mister Bilbo sir...This chicken is not one to be trifled with. Have ye heard of the ole town of Chamberlans?" Bilbo shook his head. "Of course ye haven't!!! It's because it's GONE. And it's BEEN GONE for nearly five centuries now!" The woman slunk to the ground, ripping out individual blades of grass. "Ye know...we humans don't live very long compared to other beings. So even though five hundred years don't seem like nothin' to ye, it's a long time fer us," she mumbled some curses under her breath, and Bilbo began to feel somewhat sympathetic for her story, despite the antagonist being a chicken. 

"Look, Miss Ghans, I'd really like to help you, believe me I would. It's just that, well, what would happen to my home? The Shire? I'm a very busy, hobbit! There's the gardening, the social events, don't even get me started on market day! And there's--" Mahti interrupted, "It's fine, it's fine. I understand. It's fine, it's fine." 

"But...I'm sorry, really, I am. It's just--" "It's fine, it's fine. Really, it's fine," she sighed. Bilbo pat his arms against his sides and gave an awkward nod.

"Right then...Um...It was nice meeting you, nonetheless. I wish you luck on your quest....Right," he picked up his pipe and started to head back towards the main path. Mahti flung her arms into the air and dramatically cried out to the sky.

"Guess I'll just have to take on this evil on my own. I'll have to split the glory among the Dwarves and myself. Oh dear...what will I tell Thorin?" She raised an eyebrow, keeping one eye on him.

Bilbo's ear perked up and his cheeks became rosy. He turned around slowly and stuttered, "Did....did you say Thorin? As in Thorin Oakenshield son of Thrain?" Mahti gave a wry smile and nodded quickly.

"Oh indeed, Mister Bags, indeed! I was on my way to meet him after my encounter with ye to see if he will join my quest! It's just as much 'is problem as it is mine or yours," she chuckled. Bilbo had a sudden skip in his step and grin across his cheeks.

"Well then what are we waiting for!? We're off!" He ran down the path towards the Shire passing his neighbors and their disapproving glares. 

"Now where be ye off to so quickly, Mister Baggins? Is it supper time already?" A child mocked from the fields.

"No, Billy! I'm going on an adventure!" He exclaimed as he jumped over the fence. An adventure, he thought. What had he gotten himself into?

His heart skipped a beat as he opened the door to his hole in the ground. This comfortable, well kept hole. This might be the last time he stepped foot into his home.

 

To be continued in Chapter 2.

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*Death Bed


End file.
